Q: Larold, The Beatles tribute band keeps stalking me! I need Help!
A: Just Let it Be, and if they don’t stop stalking you then Run For Your Life.
Q: Help me Larry, I have an ingrown toenail and it’s infected. What should I do?
A: IDK I’m not a medical doctor, but I am a doctor in philosophy, clearly.
Q: Larry, my childhood dog died yesterday and I’m having trouble coping with it… advice?
A: Just be like Abby Lee Miller and get it taxidermied.
Q: I ghosted my advisor eight times in a row, I kept avoiding them in the hallways, and I hid under a desk one time. Should I switch advisors or attend the next meeting?
A: Just go to the next meeting and you may discover that your advisor is actually kinda fun <3
Q: I failed my third bio quiz in a row … What am I supposed to do?
A: Maybe study next time?? Newton did not invent gravity for your grades to be dropping this fast.
Q: The CA photographer keeps doing me so dirty … How do I get photogenic?
A: Don’t smile or get some braces. Your teeth are crooked.
Q: I keep sleeping through my alarm. How do I make sure to wake up on time?
A: Don’t sleep, easy peasy lemon squeezy <3
Q: Bananas of Concord keeps posting photos of me without my consent. How do I file for a lawsuit?
A: Step 1: run away. Step 2: keep going.
Q: Help! My friend has been saying some really insensitive stuff to me recently and I don’t know if I should distance myself from her or not.
A: Tell them that they are hurting your feelings. Often, people don’t even realize they’re being harmful until someone tells them directly. If they genuinely deserve you and your time, then the things that hurt will seem like a distant memory. If they gaslight you into thinking that they didn’t do anything wrong, then drop them. Your feelings are valid, and I hope your friend gets their act together, or you find people who love you for you and make you feel good about yourself.