Oh my goodness Larry,

I haven’t started my Centipede article and I’m afraid that my section editor hates me for always asking for extensions minutes before the article is due. I wanted to resort to creating a Help Me, Larry article but a little freshman stole my spot in the spreadsheet. What should I do?!

From, 
Theater-obsessed sophomore
Dear Theater-obsessed sophomore,

What can I say? You’re the one that auditioned, got recruited, and found another way to assert your dominance over a group of innocent children to fulfill your athletic credits. Honestly, just scribble something down for the International Corner and hope that no one uses Google Translate.

With love,
Larry
Dear Larry,

I have signed up for zero real sports this school year and now have a difficult time going up the SHAC stairs. I feel like a senile 80-year-old. What should I do?

From, 
Same theater-obsessed sophomore
Dear theater-obsessed sophomore,

This is concerning. You should’ve considered the consequences of attending a school that is heavily invested in athletics. Just be glad that you can take a season off next year.

Much love,
Larry
Hey Larry,

A day student has been following me around, and it’s getting really annoying. I don’t want to come off as mean, but isn’t there a 60% day student population that this creature could hang out with?

Oh look, the day student’s walking towards me again. Help!

From, 
Annoyed Boarder
Dear Annoyed Boarder, 

You should cherish this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Be thankful that a day student is even willing to interact with a boarder. Yes, I’m biased, but even if I’m not, the 40% boarding student body seems fairly weak…

Best wishes,
Larry
Dear Larry, 

I can’t restrain myself from stalking my teachers on Google––it’s not my fault that they have public LinkedIn profiles! Do I need rehab for this addiction?

From, 
A reflection of one’s true self
Dear Reflection, 

I was intentionally trying to avoid you. Since you have me here, I’ll say that you have found your calling. This is simply part of the process of getting to know the community better. All in the name of research, of course.

Warmly,
Larry
Larry, Larry, Larry,

I know you’re in the quiet section of the library again, but guess who’s right across from me? The senior section is awkwardly silent right now. Are the seniors ever not scary?

Let’s control you-know-what next year once you-know-who goes off to menace new freshmen.

From,
Pig Murderer
Dear Pig Murderer, 

Good to hear that you’re still alive.

You should know my issue with two specific seniors. They’re… unique. Would I sacrifice the freshman class for the seniors? Probably. Do I dare talk to them? Haha, if only.

Your bestie, 
Larry