Dear Larry,

The other day, I was minding my business, thriving and surviving, and I decided to walk into town and max out my TD bank debit card on Dunkin coffee (true story.) I was walking across Academy Lane when, all of a sudden, a bus came out of nowhere and hit me! After having my diva moment of being on the ground, I stood up and dusted myself off, and realized that it was my advisor driving it! Should I switch?

–Ms. Asphalt

Hey girl,

I wouldn’t know anything about switching out of an advisory, but, if I did, I would say yes. Leave him for another man.

Hugs and kisses,

Larry

Good Morning Larry,

I hope you’re doing well. I’ve had this HUGE crush on this guy for a while, and I’ve been trying to see if I can pursue it or not. Thing is, I can’t tell if he likes me back or not, his messages are so mixed! For example, he texts me stuff like “how are you?” and “i’m coming back at 4” and “we like don’t have any photos together” Is he in love with me???

Best,

Successful Love-Life

Hey Sucky Love-Life,

Reading the room must be hard when you can’t read.

Sweet dreams,

Larry

Hey Larry,

It’s me, successful love-life again, and I’m writing to you again because you didn’t answer my question at all!!! This guy’s said SO many flirty things recently like “pickup time is 2:45” and “we have a problem.” You can’t tell me this isn’t love!!!

THANKS,

Successful Love-Life

Hey hon,

Go away, and wait, are those real texts?

Bye,

Larry

Hi Larry,

I’m writing an article for the Centipede, but I can’t figure out how to give it a CA focus! What am I supposed to do?

Love,

Staff Writer


Hey Staff,

We’ve all been there, believe me. Sometimes CA doesn’t have anything that particularly connects to a topic you’ve been assigned to write about, and that’s okay! 

Well, it’s not, but really, just do what we all do and use the power of wishful thinking to get that aspect of the article done. I’m not kidding—seriously—if you just make a connection between CA and whatever you’re writing about, it’ll stick a lot of the time. For example, the other day, I had to write about Italian grape collection and processing within Spanish wineries and how that affects the grass consumption of cows in Southeast Iowa. Hard connection to CA, right? Wrong. You best believe I tacked on a sentence at the end of my article talking about how CA’s should be more observant and ethical in their grape consumption. Did it fully connect? No, not at all, but in my world—in my fantasy—it did, and that’s what matters. <3

Love, 

Larry

Hi Larry,

Are you interested in anyone at the moment?

–Babygirl

Hey there babygirl ;),

R u free tn? 

Thx,

Larry

Hi Larry,

I physically cannot be an upperclassman, this is so ABHSHSDBSAAHAHHDGHHHHH. What would you do to make it better?

–Newly-upperclassman-ed

Newly,

I would just say don’t be dramatic with friends or family or anyone really. It’ll be a fun year, I think (we’ll see). Just try to make it fun, and if that doesn’t work out, at least it’ll be interesting. Write to us again in the next issue if things don’t work out. We love you <3.

Love you too,

Larry

Dear Larry, 

I can’t. I cannot. I physically… just… no. I absolutely REFUSE to run my cross country race tomorrow. My legs? Bi-laterally discomforted. My arms? Gone. My life? In shambles. 

Seriously Help,

Runner 

Dear Runner,

This is why I do water polo, it’s just like running, except without the running part. 

Get that ‘athletic’ credit I guess,

Larry